For years we have been lost in the bush with escape from the Dictator Mustardo and for this we have not been able to tell you of our greatest most trying adventure yet: Our Great Undercover American Balloon Escape. It is now that we dictate for you.
Inevitably, after many months of travel the Dictator and his Army of US Truth cornered us in the mountains of Apalacha. In starvation we were forced to eat the young orphan boy.
In our grief and dedication to the memory of the Poor Orphan Boy we decide not yet to re-grow mustache.
After almost giving up hopes of escape, we hear tell of hot air balloon in New City of Durham and know that we must travel from the Apalacha to the New City for to try and leave on the hot air balloon. But The Army of US Truth were onto us, and as Beefhogistanians we are staunch NONVIOLENTS. So we had no choice but to find mentor of American way for that we better our disguises as Americans and eventually find hot-air balloon. Needless to say, we sought the home of legendary Sir Cooter, master of American way:
Sir Cooter welcomed us into his home, and spoke for many hours on important American dialect and custom, such as “Whip them Out Wednesday” and “Hello, I’m Frank Stacio”
He took us under his wing and worked very hard for to re-disguise us as True Americans. We use poop-corn, whiskey, Joan Jett tee, Beef tee, firework, and tape of Bryce Springstone.
From here we traveled undetected to the Great Durham City and pass time with Cooter. His assistant, DL Anderson, take brilliant documentation of our new American ways. There was only one American custom that we could not uphold: we cannot come to be violent. We are non-violent.
Cooter finally bring us to hot air balloon man, and he allow us to escape in his only hot air balloon; for this we owe him our lives. In this picture, taken from a satellite in the Great Outer Space, you see the balloon and basket floating mid-air in front of a bird flying candidly past. Unfortunately you cannot see my brother because he is hidden behind Quizno due to crippling fear of birds.
We now write from top secret safe location. Our balloon stays tied ready for escape, and we ask that you, great American comrades, to remember that peace will prevail and violence is never the question.
Also please remember In Beefhogistanian there is no words for “Terrible,” “Boyfriend,” or “Poop.”
To Freedom!
Labiaski!